4/4/22 (my birthday)

i don't feel like fixing my archive to make this post in the correct month sorry
anyway. my mom texted today like she normally does. and i guess... it's not that i don't want a relationship with her. it's just that i don't really know what that's supposed to look like for us. i was basically forced to be independent my whole life (not really by her, but in general) and i moved out as soon as i had the opportunity and my parents have basically never really done... much for me. i don't really want anything from them -- in fact if i could be totally honest and tell them ONE THING i would probably tell them that i don't NEED anything from them. i'm just fine on my own. i don't know what a relationship between me and my mom would look like... i guess all i can picture is a cordial relationship between people who are basically coworkers? i can't really be close with her for the same reasons i don't really get close to anyone else. i mean basically since she is my mom it sorta fucking follows that this is the basis of all my attachment issues, no?


i could honestly cry. had an interview yesterday for a permanent position at my job and i have never had an interview go so well that it genuinely cheered me up before now. i am doing so well at this job. i have never done this well at a job before. burnout is mitigated almost entirely by the ability to work from home. there is still a chance i don't get hired, of course, but i find it kind of hard to imagine.


still not really feeling myself. There is just so much shit to worry about. I have that old familiar feeling like i need to be figuring out stuff to worry about because if i don't worry about stuff the sufficient amount then Something Terrible Will Happen. for the 2nd time this year wondering if quitting my SSRIs was a bad idea after all (but it's been almost 3 years at this point... and i really don't want to go back on them). anyway i've been spending most of my time lately thinking about how awful it is that everyone i love will die someday and trying to figure out if there's some way i can completely lose my fucking shit about it enough to make it not hurt when it happens


man, the act of living is so fucking cruel


i came up as a feminist in the 2000s. i'm not used to this thing we have now where so-called "intellectuals" (really just dumbasses with podcasts and youtube channels) sincerely endorse the idea that women -- all women -- ie me personally -- should obey their "biological destiny" of reproducing and "having families". I'm not really sure how to deal with this emotionally to be honest. I saw a video today where some dipshit bro said "I believe women should be traded as currency, like in the bible". this shit is stunning to me. the idea that anyone, anywhere, would look at me and my life and be like "it's literally your job to make a baby". like you fuckers do not understand how bad you need for me not to ever have any babies. you don't want me reproducing. first of all i've very clearly got a number of non-optimal genes i would be passing on (such as the communist ones) and additionally there is a very high likelihood that i would accidentally kill any baby i was meant to care for and also probably kill myself. like i'm talking really dead. i am mentally unstable at the best of times and the monthly hormone crash from my menstrual cycle makes me want to kill myself almost every time. if anyone was fated to get ppd it would be me. you would have to be completely fucking insane to say that motherhood is my destiny.


i have lacked the ability to really care about anything for a couple weeks now i think. hope it comes back soon. caring about stuff is really sort of the only skill i have


deep down i'm pretty scared that having abandoned my family of origin and never having children will lead to there being nobody left to care for me when i'm old and infirm and hell, maybe even demented. Also i struggle to make friends because based on some traumatic friendship dissolutions in my past i've come to conclude that i'm not really worthy of friendship


i think it's really weird how people will just tell you stuff they don't want to tell you instead of saying "i don't want to talk about it" and then it's your fault for asking


it's only been a couple days but my husband getting a cpap machine is the biggest quality of life upgrade both of us have had in years. there are basically no downsides (except that we have to pay like $400 for it). i actually just can't stop crying every time i think of how miserable he's been and how obviously and dramatically it's already improved his health. and we get to sleep in the same bed again!


you know, it's not perfect and there's stuff i wish i could change, but my life is going pretty good right now. i currently have a job that i mostly enjoy and is good for my mental health (albeit i'm a temp and this could theoretically end at any time) and i have some savings and i'm making debt payments. it has rarely been the case that me and my husband are both stably employed at the same time and we're both making over $15/hr so we have more money right now than has been the norm for us over the past decade. we've been able to buy some necessary things and some toys, and some things that have improved our quality of life SO much that even if we do fall back into pennilessness we'll still have some of our major life problems solved (specifically, our dishwasher, our robot litterbox, and my husband's CPAP). my boss the other day said that while she couldn't say for sure, she found it highly improbable that our temp team would be let go at the end of July, so that's some comfort. making debt payments is important because it will bring down my total monthly payments but i'm also trying to squirrel away enough to keep me afloat for at least a few months of unemployment (+ maybe enough for a flight to visit my long distance boyfriend). it's hard that it's winter and being trapped indoors by the weather exacerbates my preexisting mental health problems but that will be over soon and really, life is good.


i'm so jealous of people who have things i don't even want. former coworkers who have gone on to be more successful than me.... people who went to college and have marketing jobs... i guess i just imagine they're happier and more "normal" than i could ever hope to be. maybe they are. this is why its impossible for me to be on linkedin, i see the profiles of people i used to work at and go "ah, this person probably hates me because i was weird or rude at that job" and "ah, this person has gone on to be much more successful than me" and it makes me feel bad about myself! i've also been weirdly fixated on old highschool friends lately -- i have no intention of ever contacting any of them but every so often my brain is like "hey baby we should revisit this idea" as if i'm going to come to a different conclusion. i do not want to let people into my life! i do not want to open my life to people who remember the fucked up mess i used-to-be-and-am-still-in-the-process-of-unbecoming! but i also can't figure out why i ruminate on it so much. i guess it's a form of living in the past for me. one thing i'm trying to do lately, having come to the conclusion that ruminating on past events is rarely-to-never helpful or health for me and that i'm not morally obligated to scrutinize my every memory to figure out whether or not i'm a Good Person, i just try to tell myself that what i'm doing is living in the past, something widely regarded to be pointless. it doesn't really help at all but maybe it will if i do it enough.

i sometimes feel like i would like to try meditation. but i really don't think it's possible for me. i can't do the thing where you "acknowledge your thoughts and let them go". trying to turn off my thoughts, to not-think, to silence my inner voice, is like trying to turn off a waterfall! there's no place in my mind that my voice doesn't touch. there's no way to think with no voice!

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